Ho-Lee-Crap

Jesus Christ, today was absolute hell at work!

So it's been a while since I bitched about my job so I guess I'll update that area of my life.

Today I had to apprehend four people at work for three separate incidents of theft. I can't fucking believe it - THREE times!

Now, for those of you who don't know (which is you know, everyone), that's very unusual. I stop theft as much as I can but I usually catch people about once a week if things are going well. Sometimes I go a couple of weeks without catching anyone and that bothers me. I get sort of in my work depression mode if I don't keep catching people.  Twice in one day is unheard of. Three in one day is just abso-fucking-lutely in-fucking-sane! I've never had three in one day.

First there was a dipshit that I spotted from the moment he hit the door and thought "OK this guy's suspicious..." He just smelled like a rat. Damn thieves. Fuck thieves.  This mother fucker tries to stuff four playstation 3 games in his pants. He succeeded in this much but I stopped him at the door in front of a huge crowd and demanded that he hand over the merchandise. It really helped that I was surrounded by people on a busy Saturday. I was screaming at him "Hand it over NOW NOW NOW! ALL OF IT!"   ahhh...he dropped his pants, handed over the games, said "I"M SORRY" and then left humiliated. He ran out the door holding his pants and got in his car. He nearly hit another vehicle peeling out of our parking lot. Hilarious. It was grand, just too thrilling. He was absolutely embarrassed beyond words. I loved it. I got a round of applause and several high fives from the stampede of employees that rushed my way as I announced the theft. I was ze hero and it was awesome.

 The second theft of the day was far more subtle but it was more dangerous. I say that because the guy I caught was off in the head. I noticed him on camera and started stalking him simply based on the fact that I didn't like his appearance. Yeah, I'm an ass like that. Sue me. But no seriously - he looked like a psychotic crack head. I'm pretty sure that's precisely what he actually was though. White male, 40's-ish, tall and lanky, sunken cheek bones and a glare that just screams, "I'm crazy!". His overly large coat and baggy clothing didn't help calm my suspicions. Sure enough, he stashed two rap CDs in his coat but I had him on camera. He immediately turned to me and saw me watching him. Then, magically, like the obvious, inescapable sun rising over the east, it DAWNED on this dumb ass, "Oh shit, she just caught me concealing this merchandise"....yeah, no shit. He went to the next isle and dropped them before bolting out of the store. I grinned and thanked him.


Case number three was far more complex and hard to crack. I again pinned them at the front door - I knew they were up to no good. I could just tell they were cheap bastards who didn't intend to pay for shit. They attempted to steal software, movies, cds and even fucking candy dude. Seriously, they were assholes. It took the entire store's help in recovering the merchandise after they kept getting busted. I asked my manager to kick them out but he refused - that spineless pussy. I'd ask them to leave in a heartbeat, you can bet on that. I'd love to kick them out and tell them to never come back.  In the end, they paid for a game and a pack of blank CDs but only because they knew they couldn't steal anything. I obnoxiously applauded them as they left and yelled, "Thank you for actually PAYING for that you guys. We appreciate you PAYING for it!"  They didn't say shit because they knew I had them on camera. They were humiliated and it was too funny.


I have no sympathy for those who try to steal.  To actually have the nerve to say "I'm sorry!" when you're caught is absolutely pathetic. No, you're not sorry you did it. You're sorry you got caught. There is a difference. If they'd gotten away with it, they'd not be sorry at all.


I'll come right out and say it also, and you can hate me all you want for this: black people steal more than white people in my region. Call me racist or whatever, I'm just naming a proven statistic. I don't watch them more than whites, hispanics or asians. I watch them all equally but it's a proven fact: black people (particularly young males) steal way more than any other group of people. It's really sickening because there is already a stereotype floating about regarding young, black males. Why are they making it worse for themselves? One guy even had the nerve to scream, "Oh it's because I'm black, isn't it?!?"   No, you asshole, you actually stole something. That fucking sickens me. To use race as an excuse for me to be unable to approach you about your own wrong doings is fucking despicable! How disgusting can you possible be? How sickening! Life forms like that shouldn't even be allowed freedoms if they're going to abuse them like that.

We should just ship all assholes like that to a deserted island. If I happen to accidentally launch a missile its way and blow them all up....well, woops.

My bad.